I think in my head, I had to, I was just sort of talking to myself,
and saying just just sort of distance a bit, just stay with it, like
zone out a little bit, just kind of, so trying to get a bit of mental
distance, maybe not listen so closely, just sort of distance
internally (laughs) sort of not show your shock, of course, or your
discomfort and just thinking please let this be over soon (laughs)
before I throw up. (R, 281)
“I think in my head” is an interesting statement that makes it seem as if
that is where her total self is in that moment of trying to obtain some “mental
distance”. Raelyn understands her self-talk as an attempt to achieve this
“distance” from her state of fusion with the patient’s difficult feelings and
impulses. Perhaps her laugher at her recalling her attempts to “distance
internally” and wish to “please let this be over soon” is an acknowledgement of
her own internal conflict of wanting to stay with the patient yet be distanced from
them. Also, too, the disparity between what therapist and client may be thinking
in the moment. Rather than the form of a wish, David described a similar
sentiment to Raelyn’s self-talk, but in the form of a memory:
Um, so I think, I think maybe the, even when I was, you know
half-crazy with it, I think, just the memory that um things pass,
and I had things might help, and but that was that was helpful.
(D, 655)
David here experiences the truism of “things pass” – that every situation
ends – as helpful. Yet, this excerpt also conveys the sense of uncertainty that
David is experiencing in this moment. As well as relying on “cute couple of
deep breaths” (J, 317) Judith, when likewise faced with the unknown, relies on a
“layer of professionalism” (315):
…. I just relied on all my years of remaining calm, remaining
professional, keeping my anxiety under control, storing it for, I'm
gonna think of, you know, ‘look at this later myself’. Um eh yeah
and just keeping it, y-you know, keeping the therapy to, you
know, just keeping her in the room with me actually, cause I do
think she got up at one point. (J, 327)
Alongside regulating her anxiety, Judith also describes a deliberate
process of “storing” her responses for reflection later on. Beverly likewise
highlights how she attempts to keep connected with a patient who is
experiencing anger towards her:
…I recognize it. I remember it. I go, 'okay, I know this - focus on
the patient, focus on the feeling. Go through the questions -