which the individual related to the world, as through religious devotion or community service. When
you recount such qualities, you help remind the bereaved that their loved one was appreciated by
others. If you didn't know the deceased personally, you may wish to recount qualities you have heard
about.
Recount a memory about the deceased
Early in bereavement, memories of the deceased are often temporarily dimmed. This can be frightening
for those in grief. Relate a brief, memorable anecdote or two. In the recounting, try to capture what it
was about the deceased that evoked your appreciation, affection, or respect. You may wish to say a few
word~ about how he or she touched and influenced your life. And don't avoid humorous incidents; they
can be most appropriate and very gratefully received. Laughter is a great healer.
Note special qualities of the bereaved
The loss of a loved one can be so overwhelming that strong feelings of inadequacy surface and the
bereaved may feel shaky about even their most basic abilities. They typically experience at least a
transitory impairment in their usual capacity for self-appreciation and self-love. This is a time when even
the most courageous individuals will appreciate your reminding them of their personal strengths,
especially those qualities that will help then: through this period. These may be traits that you know
served them through adversity in the past such as resilience patience, competence, religious devotion,
optimism, or trusting nature. This can be beautifully amplified if you recall a loving remark about the
survivor that was once made by the deceased.
Offer assistance
Many, but not all, sympathy letters include an offer to help. If you sincerely wish to offer your
assistance, do so, but if you choose not to, you can still write a beautiful condolence letter. If you decide
to offer help keep in mind that the standard, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," may put a
burden on the grieving individual to ask you for assistance. Although a general offer to help is not out of
line, a more sensitive approach reflecting your sincere desire to be of help is to make a specific offer
(doing the grocery shopping, running errands, answering the phone, taking care of the children, helping
with correspondence). Those in the numbness of early grief can often scarcely hear the well meant, "Is
there anything I can do?" let alone summon up a vision of what actually needs to be done. Your caring
sentiment and genuine offer to help may be more readily accepted if you are willing to take the
initiative. Once having made an offer, be sure to follow through on your promise.
Close with a thoughtful word or phrase
The closing in a letter of condolence can be particularly significant. Let your concluding words reflect the
truth of your feelings. Is it "love," "fondly," "yours truly," "sincerely," or would you prefer to close with a
phrase or sentence that reiterates your sympathy? For example:
My affectionate respects to you and yours.
Our love is with you always.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You know you have my deepest sympathy and my love and friendship always.